Lyme Blog

I will be attending the Lyme Rally in Westchester, NY with six members of my family. Two days ago, I had to remove a tick with tweezers from a woman's neck who was also at the Retreat I went to.

A day of teachings. Seven Point Mind Training. Also asked Guymed Kensur Rimpoche how to pray and meditate the Lyme Disease. Tara, Tara, Tara and tonglen. The IV Rocephin is only one aspect of recovering from this illness.

All is going rather well. I have been relaxing and healing here. I am getting used to the ticks jumping up from the dead leaves. Two more jumped on a friend of mine, who refused any repellent. I have never considered myself a great outdoorsperson. I just took a walk in Redding, CT. I used the Off ! product on my jean legs and the natural Repel Lemon Eucalyptus product on my neck. Off! has deet but the Repel does not.

I have never experienced ticks although I have Chronic Lyme Disease. In the past week, I have seen more than I have seen in my lifetime.

The act of withdrawing, as into safety or privacy. Retreat.

The Lyme is ebbing into the background. I am advancing into the foreground of this life once again.

Mesmerizing rain. When the spirochetes languish, will they nourish the soil? Will they compost complacently or fossilize imprints for the future?

This disease is endemic to North America. I now fear the handsome pines and gnarled oaks where I previously surrendered. From leaves, ticks shell themselves toward the heat of my shins.

My new friend fights the azure thread and jean with her fingernails and pulls the teeth of potential disease from me. All the tick forms are represented ...larva, nymph, adult male and female. She flicks, squishes and blots them out.

We no longer talk. We walk solemnly to our destination.

I will be going on a Buddhist retreat tomorrow at Do Ngak Kunphen Ling in Connecticut. I want to live in the spiritual solution.

In Native American folklore, the crow is seen as a trickster.
It was an omen for me this morning. I did so very well for 2-3 days, experiencing calmness and sometimes joy. Yesterday, I did not need to take L-Theanine
to quell my anxiety. I was routinely taking 400-500 mgs per day. Ahhhhhhh, well there was a light. Today, I stumbled into some anxiety. It is no longer a tunnel, but perhaps a bridge overpass between two points. Some days it rains and some days there are crows in trees. Some days the sun warms the air and I can hear my own heart. I am almost at the two month mark with the IV Rocephin.

I find that I cannot absorb too much stress. I gauge my progress by how much stress I can handle. I completed many daily tasks today which is new. This is part of the old me. This morning my right eye lost vision again. I think the IV Rocephin was moving too quickly.

I realize now how non verbal I was for most of the week. This week has been particularly rough. Lots of tears and weepiness. The weekend was MUCH better. I went back on Fluconazole Friday night. I had a dream last night of Buddhist monks attending teachings.
I think I am on a good path.

Today has been a good day. The first good day in quite a while. I went back on my Flucanizole last night after 3 nights of not taking it. I felt so much better today. It is like waking up with new eyes. It give me hope.

The soles of my feet are no longer sore. The sole of my soul has been bruised for two days. So many tears and I began work my EMDR therapist yesterday.

My PIC line has a rotund scab which was cleaned off when my dressing was changed.

i am in disarray but okay. lotsa of anger coming to the surface. the only way i know this is all Lyme is because it is intensifying. i m having a tough time accepting it but it IS.

I stopped the Flucozanole to see if the intenisty wears down a bit. My hair follicles hurt.

i keep shuffling because i am itchy in my own skin. i cannot stand my self. tonight, i guess i go to a Lyme support group.

This is definitely evidence of how I feel. I am seeing Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapist this week. The Lyme brings me to places of extreme fear and acute anxiety. My past trauma experiences are reference points from which this fear and anxiety can draw upon. I am desperate and want to stop these episodes.

Yesterday, there were 2 ladybugs on the makeshift IV hanger I use. I considered this a very good omen, as folklore suggests. They are a great benefit to organic farmers.

I am in the doldrums of treatment. I have gained five lbs. I saw them in the mirror so I hopped on the scale to confirm.

When I say "doldrums", I mean a plateau which will bide for quite some time. I remain upbeat. It has been 6 weeks and I see at least 12 more in my future. My doc says that he does not see any real results until 4 months. I am in this for the long term. I read Wild Condor's Lyme story yesterday and it both terrified me and reassured me. I am on the right path.

I feel fortunate because my insurance will cover this for 12 weeks. At that point, I will see which hoops I need to jump through and whether my MD needs to set the hoops on fire. There is no way that I am stopping this treatment. If needed, I will pay out of pocket.

I have seen the improvement in my nine year old nephew after 3.5 months of treatment. He is a small boy again. The psychotic, frustrated and sullen kid he was is receding.

...since my last post. I tried to help my 12 year old niece with homework and could feel the Lyme frustration in my head and heart. My forehead above my eyebrows hurt. I can hear a television downstairs. All the stimuli has to be turned off and I have to give myself some quiet time.

My emotions have swung from crying and feeling like my family's mini van ride home should never end. I wanted us all to stay that age, in the up mood and bask in the safe knowing of one another. I held my mom's hand and the tears ran and ran down my face. My only explanation is Lyme.

Is this anxiety or fear or both? Trepidation, uneasiness or worry? Am I Herxing today? Can I walk through this pain? I am safe on this side of the world. There is refuge in this sloppy wall of granite. I did not used to be like this. I miss that girl.
A good cry, hiccupps and all, is healing. And then there is the pharmaceutical solution.

I want to appreciate you Chipmunk. I watch you dart, jump and avoid error. Can I mimic or imitate you?

I fear you. Do you carry the ticks which have given me this Lyme? When I begin to flit and dance again, will those ticks upgrade to a larger home?

I woke up without anxiety this morning. I am grateful. Like a sturdy 1950s milk container, my mind can hold the coolness or fright of an emotion for the entire day. I felt even keeled and serene. Ambition and aspiration may have to wait for another sun-filled day. Today, in its calmness, is progress.

I have started taking the Fluconazole before bed at night to minimize the effects of die off. Hence, my mornings are filled with anxiety and fear. Is it Lyme or yeast die off? Does it matter? Will I have a life again?