Tuesday, October 31, 2006
The Impact of Lyme
A downy woodpecker crashed into the glass window this morning. I heard the thud but all I saw was a black feather stuck to the window. I found him on the deck, 3 feet from the impact. His eyes twitched. I picked him up by his wings and there was no blood. I lay him in another spot. I waited half an hour - more sarsaparilla tea for me. I went back and squatted next to him. He hopped and flew to one of the wooden posts on the deck, boasting his white chest. He twiched back and forth and then careened into the trees.Healing takes time. Because I am still close to the impact does not mean that careening is out of the question.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Graduation - One Month of IV Rocephin
Yesterday, I completed my first month of IV therapy. With it came a foul mood, anger and a sweeping sense of futility. This morning, I felt like a mental patient, staring out the window at the chickadees pecking among the yellow dying leaves. By my third dose of L-Theanine, I started feeling calmer.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Day 29 of IV Rocephin Therapy
Yesterday was a HERX day and so is today. I feel aches in my tailbone, lower back, around my hips. I have been in a foul mood. Today, I took some activated charcoal in an attempt to deal with the toxins.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Day 28 Again
A big difference in the landscape between my last visit and this visit. The lush leaves have been taken down by the wind and rain.I have always felt this way - as long as I can remember. Glum and futile. There would be glimmers of serenity and dreams too. I think they were induced by romance or other persons, places and things. Has this been Lyme? I thought it was my psyche and selfhood. My sister thinks it is the Lyme and it began 20 years ago in my teens. I want to be hopeful.
Day 28
The title says it all - just Day 28. The initial enthusiasm has worn off. I had a tough day yesterday and, now, today. The 3rd day in my protocol has usually been the best. I feel sluggish and down, however. I cannot even expound on any details.I drove back to my family's place in CT yesterday. As I packed a few bags, I came to tears. I feel like such a failure. I felt like a transient loser. I could no longer feel at home in my home. The fear and anxiety had overtaken me. I had to be among other people...and a place where I could rest.
Last night, I went with my sister to the kids' Lyme doctor. He was thorough and gentle and kind. As many have called him, a true saint.
And these are the people that are being targeted by the Medical Associations.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Appointment with MD
Yesterday, I saw my Lyme Literate Medical Doctor. I was having a blah day, not having slept well and having nightmares.
We decided to make some changes. Since my body is tolerating the IV antibiotic and I am experiencing relief on the 3rd day of taking the antibiotic each week, he is getting more aggressive. I will be taking 1 gram of Rocephin twice a day, every day now instead of 2 grams four days of the week.
I also started diflucan today. There is a diflucan protocol being used in Lyme and it has been the subject of Internet discussion. I anticipate the candida yeast die off period to be intense.
He also recommended L-Theanine for my anxiety. I started immediately on the 100 mgs 3-4 times a day. I have to admit that I did not experience any anxiety when I woke up this morning and for the entire day.
We decided to make some changes. Since my body is tolerating the IV antibiotic and I am experiencing relief on the 3rd day of taking the antibiotic each week, he is getting more aggressive. I will be taking 1 gram of Rocephin twice a day, every day now instead of 2 grams four days of the week.
I also started diflucan today. There is a diflucan protocol being used in Lyme and it has been the subject of Internet discussion. I anticipate the candida yeast die off period to be intense.
He also recommended L-Theanine for my anxiety. I started immediately on the 100 mgs 3-4 times a day. I have to admit that I did not experience any anxiety when I woke up this morning and for the entire day.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Day 24
Woke up from the planes overhead. Logan airport and the FAA have done very little in terms of Noise Abatament. Stiffness at the base of my neck and across the tops my shoulders. Anxiety everywhere.Had nightmares that I was trying to show someone the Lyme documentary trailer, Under Our Skin, on my laptop but my cat who passed away last year at the ripe age of 18 was chasing a baby skunk up a tree. When I caught my cat, my friend told me to check his fur for spirochetes and sure enough, the corkscrew contaminants were everywhere.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Day 22 - Work for 1/2 Day
I went back to work today and it was easier than I expected. I thought my anxiety would poke me on the shoulder as I edited Web pages on my computer but she did not bother with me. Okay, I cheated. I took an anti-anxiety pill before I went in.
I rode the bus without incident. I ran into an activist acquaintance and we chatted the entire ride downtown. Then I worked a half day. I rode my bike home because it had been sitting in the garage at work for two weeks. The heels of my feet are sore, as if they had been bruised.
I rode the bus without incident. I ran into an activist acquaintance and we chatted the entire ride downtown. Then I worked a half day. I rode my bike home because it had been sitting in the garage at work for two weeks. The heels of my feet are sore, as if they had been bruised.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Vision Problems - Day 21
My romaine salad with navy beans was packed in my bag. The cotton gray slacks one size too big were folded over on the chair. I thought I was going back to work today. The nurse Carlyne was here at 8 for a dressing change and a blood draw - CBC and Liver. My neighbor offered me a ride into work so I phoned him. As we talked, a blurry lasoo appeared on the left side of my right eye. Optic neuritis - here we go again. I described it to him and decided not to go into work after all.The Reality
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Buddha in Glory by Rainer Maria Rilke
Center of all centers, core of cores
almond self-enclosed and growing sweet--
all this universe, to the furthest stars
and beyond them, is your flesh, your fruit.
Now you feel how nothing clings to you;
your vast shell reaches into endless space,
and there the rich, thick fluids rise and flow.
Illuminated in your infinite peace,
a billion stars go spinning through the night,
blazing high above your head.
But IN you is the presence that
will be, when all the stars are dead.
My Nephew has a PIC Line Too
My 9 year old nephew also has a PIC line. He has been on IV Rocephin for 3 months. This past week has been the first week that the wondering boy which he is peeked out through his Lyme ladened frame. This is the first time that he has consistently been a boy and not a Jekyll/ Hyde character burdened by stress and anger, acting out psychotically. It is a miracle to have him again.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
3rd Day, Third Week of IV Rocephin
WOW I feel good today. More than anything else, I can feel the person that I am and that I have been for 15 years or so. And this is new old territory today....old, that it is the woman I used to be. New, in that I have not experienced this woman in months.In my weekly therapy of IV Rocephin, my 3d day has been the best. I am reclaiming parts of my self that I have lost for years...including connection to my family.
A friend sent me Buddha in Glory by Rilke and it is appropriate.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Herxing - Week 3 of IV Rocephin
Feeling the aches between the shoulder blades and along my spine today. I am grateful that I do not have to be at a particular place today and can just rest. Feel fatigued and achey, I long for the days of Bee Venom Therapy. I had great results in term of new energy and alertness. I highly recommend it. The bee venom ingredient melittin kills Lyme. I stopped stinging after 8 months or so. The drawbacks of taking 8-9 bee stings per day: time consuming, scarring and actually harming or killing the bees.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Praises to Tara
Chicken or Egg: Increased Anxiety - Day Sixteen
I just woke up and wanted to capture here the anxiety I am feeling. I am tired of using the word anxiety and have looked in Roget's Thesaurus to expand my Lyme limited vocabulary. I find more appropriate words: terror, fright, distress, dread, apprehension, unease, agitated, concern. For me, the anxiety and fear appear first. The emotions are the proverbial chicken. I wake and my body exudes fright and apprehension. I pray Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha but I allow the chicken to graze in my psyche. Then, I cannot help myself. The chicken does not have to look or peck around for sustenance. Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha. It is me who feeds the emotions grain.
I rationalize the emotions by searching for examples in my life which should be anxiety provoking. With increased terror, I continue praying Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha. The apprehension in getting up out of bed is there.
At least I am at my sister's and not alone. Who else is in the house? Can I make some phone calls? I must meditate first. Where do I have to go? Who do I have to be? I did not brng enough supplements for this extended visit. What about my employer? What are they thinking? How can I show up in an office in this state? How can I complete tasks for other people? The proverbial egg has been laid.
Thinking Thich Nhat Hanh. Breathing In: I know I am breathing In Breathing Out: I know I am breathing Out. Will it hatch again?
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
A Spiritual Solution
I found a Karma Kagyu Buddhist Center here in CT which I will attend this week. Lyme has increased spirituality and religion in my life.
Embracing Anxiety Through Pesto
Today, my sister will change my dressing on my PICC line. Last night, we had a heart to heart discussion of why I continue to suffer through the negative emotions which Lyme has gifted me.My doctor prescribed Lorazepam for the anxiety and today, after 6-7 months of angst, I took half a tablet. Is it working? Yes. I feel serene and unconcerned with the details of tomorrow or next week.
One way which I cope with the persistent buzzing in my being is doing small tasks like making pesto with my Mom.
Anxiety in the Morning, Fear in the Afternoon
This is my third week. I am afraid to be alone. I took additional time off of work to stay among my family in CT.I catch myself before I get into situations where I would find myself alone with the anxiety and fear. For now, I take a detour although I will resume walking through the pain on another day.
I believe the IV antibiotics are working because I am experiencing soreness around my tailbone; I have felt feverish at times and very cold at other times.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
3rd Day of IV, Second Week
I am feeling improvements. I feel less hard and hostile.
You know when the mirror is all steamed up in the bathroom and you wipe away a circle so you can see yourself? That is how I feel right now...like I can see an image of myself and I am getting closer to her.
The anxiety became acute this past week. I had difficulty transitioning from one situation to another. For example, I would feel safe and serene taking a walk with my sister, I would not want to literally get off the track. I would feel anxious about having to continue to the next activity for the day. Another example, I would not want to get off the Boston New York Chinatown bus as we entered NY. I would feel comfortable in the environment and I would not want to disrupt it. If there was a stop along the way, forget it...I would become fearful.
I talked to my Lyme doctor, he said it was my temporal lobe. I asked him for an anti anxiety medication which he prescribed. I have not taken it but I feel better having it with me as a precautionary measure.
You know when the mirror is all steamed up in the bathroom and you wipe away a circle so you can see yourself? That is how I feel right now...like I can see an image of myself and I am getting closer to her.
The anxiety became acute this past week. I had difficulty transitioning from one situation to another. For example, I would feel safe and serene taking a walk with my sister, I would not want to literally get off the track. I would feel anxious about having to continue to the next activity for the day. Another example, I would not want to get off the Boston New York Chinatown bus as we entered NY. I would feel comfortable in the environment and I would not want to disrupt it. If there was a stop along the way, forget it...I would become fearful.
I talked to my Lyme doctor, he said it was my temporal lobe. I asked him for an anti anxiety medication which he prescribed. I have not taken it but I feel better having it with me as a precautionary measure.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Second Week of IV Antibitiocs
I have to say that I am feeling better today. My second day (out of 4) of IV in my second week. I have taken time off of work. I need to be with people- especially friends and family. My mind feels less tight ...I hope that it is the IV which is working and not my new found freedom.
I have a new PICC pal...my nephew. He is also on IV antibiotics.
I have a new PICC pal...my nephew. He is also on IV antibiotics.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Vacillating Between a Good Mood and a Foul Mood
While taking a bus today, I would daydream about past travels in Western Uganda. I had very peaceful moments. Within minutes, I was prepared to battle a guy who was swearing and talking loudly on his cell phone. Lucky that I was traveling with my mom who is a senior. I did not want to make a scene in front of her, so I kept quiet. My mood was swinging from tree to tree!
Took a Bath with Epsom Salt
Today is the end of my first week. I took a bath with epsom salt. The spirochetes hate salt. Take a look at the Salt and C protocol. I suspect that there were many dead spirochetes in the bath water by the time I finished.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Herx must be happening
My protocol is 4 days on the Rocephin and 3 days off. Today is my first day off and I had a meltdown in my office. I had to shut the door and cry because I was overwhlemed. The nurse which was supposed to do a home visit to change my dressing and take blood for my weekly labs cancelled. This was enough to send me into a fit of internal anger followed by tears.
My mood is foul and I am just staying quiet.
My mood is foul and I am just staying quiet.
After Fourth Day of IV Antibitiocs
The day was well as explained in my previous post. Around 6:30 PM, I began to fade and lose morale. I took my evening dose of Rocephin at 8PM. Grumpy and agitated, I just relaxed and watched TV.
After Third Day of IV Antibiotics
I felt much clearer in my head. I watched a documentary Guns, Germs and Steel
and wrote four pages in my journal. My thoughts and emotions felt stable and lucid. I woke in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and felt serene. This is something which has not happened in 6 months or more. I usually wake up in fear and anxiety. The following day I was upbeat. I finished several administrative tasks for myself and for work. I was quite surprised!
and wrote four pages in my journal. My thoughts and emotions felt stable and lucid. I woke in the middle of the night, unable to sleep and felt serene. This is something which has not happened in 6 months or more. I usually wake up in fear and anxiety. The following day I was upbeat. I finished several administrative tasks for myself and for work. I was quite surprised!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Supplements
Yes, I am a sucker for supplements... but hey, they help. I take neurotranmitter support, vitamins, minerals, essential fats and amino acids. I also take Tibetan herbs.Diet and Nutrition
Because Lyme Disease has compromised my entire immune system,I had several misdiagnoses of what I had. I began detoxifying my system - juicing 3-4 times per week. I use carrot, ginger, spinach, cilantro, fennel, cucumber and beets... depending what I am in the mood for.
Day 3 of IV Antibiotics
I am taking 2 grams of Rocephin twice a day at home. I started to get flu symptoms after the 1st day. After the 1st and 2nd day, emotionally I was feeling better and not so overwhelmed. Today, however, I feel lots of unexplained fear. Oh well, one step forward and two steps back. We will see.
6 Months of Oral Antibiotics First
Since April, I took 2 grams of Cefuroxime Axetil (Ceftin) and 1 gram of Azithromycin (Zithromax) daily. There was a definite Herxheimer Reaction. I had night sweats a few times and flu symptoms. More significant was the acute anxiety ad fear I experienced in the mornings when I woke up. I also developed a peculiar obsession with recycling and conservation. My cognition, comprehension and memory worsened, however. In general, I did not feel any relief and that is how I arrived at the decision to try IV antibiotics.
Friday, October 06, 2006
P.I.C.C. Line
Monday, October 2, 2006
I got my PICC line put in and I was so excited. I am thrilled at the idea of IV antibiotics getting in there and killing some of this Lyme.
I am convinced that these corkscrew spirochetes (Lyme Disease bacteria) are parked overtime at the meters in my brain and they are just defecating all over the curb, streets and sidewalks of my neural pathways. The corkscrews are like spaghetti that was once wet but now drying into tightening cement blockades so the serotonin cannot flow down to and from my brain where I need it. Hence all the fear and anxiety and lack of emotional stability. Hence the personality change.
My mom is here. I am having my PICC line put in this morning and the IV antibiotics will begin. I visualize the Rocephin flushing its way through my system and flooding these corkscrews with such a force...like water over a stone for hundreds of years...wearing the obstacles down to particles of soft sand which become will harmlessly pass through my system.
