Lyme Blog

I hope that I have been experiencing a Herx. My mind is sallow and I fear everything. I am alone and scared. Alone and scared. And very silent.

I just slowed down the Rocephin drip becasue the vision in my right eye was turning to black corners. The prayer flags are going to be hung outside. I have a good vantage point from my seat here.

The fear I wake up to in the morning reminds of how I felt as a teen ager before I acquired the talent of distraction. I woke up around 4 AM to use the bathroom with extreme achiness across my lower back. I see that you are still here Lyme. I am always hesitant with the emotional turmoil, ready to point at my psychoses rather than at the Lyme. Then again, are the psychoses actually Lyme generated? But, the physical manifestations are much easier. Thank you for the reminder that you are here....that my mind is under your watch right now. And I have to take turns with you at the moment.

I saw 3 robins today here in the Northeast and it is December 29th. It scared me more than anything else.

I sent 2 vials of blood off to Quest fro 2-week CBC, liver check.

I am practicing Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to help me deal with the emotional debris to which Lyme Disease has brought me. The tapping and affirmations are quite meditative and empowering.

The fear is related to something which is other than me. I, in my body and mind, am okay. The fear is somehow linked to an expectation of what is to be done. The fear is a lack of trust in the universe, a god or the buddhas. The fear is a manifestation of the negative belief that I am not safe. The fear beckons me to saunter into a survival mode. "Find this out. Accomplish that. Distract, distract, distract. And I will dissipate". If I do not comply, the fear will walk me into another neighborhood and whisper "you must recognize the stone buildings and the brick sidewalks, this is failure".

The fear says "your apartment has been empty for 12 days", "you are alone there...what kind of life is that?", "you are going to have to return to work soon, how will you ever get there every morning with a flat tire on your bike?" and "do you really think this is Lyme?"

Its voice gets louder and more severe "how did you ever keep a life together?" "You won't bask in the sunshine of your Sicilian dreams and fall asleep on a rock while the cattle graze, ever again. You will die in the indecision of whether to raise the heat up to 65 degrees in the dankness of a globally warmed winter."

"How can this be Lyme my dear? This is who you are".

This week has been about sliding backwards. Fear grips me in the morning again and holds onto the skin between my neck and shoulder. Afraid of going back to my apartment. And that is a part of my life.

I am not scared of that which is immediately around me.

I know that I will be discussing which cyst buster to take at the next MD appointment. My LLMD let me wait until after the holiday season. Will it be
Tinidazol or Minocycline? Flagyl (Metronidazole) frightens me. I searched the discussion boards at http://www.lymenet.org .

Oh, the danger of forgetting. Here I sit, beating my self up because I cannot decide to do A, B or C. Uhhh, I forgot that I need to heal. I forgot to JUST sit and allow my body to recuperate and generate new cells.

I had an amazing view into my old life, spending 3 days in New York City. Yes, a Chronic Lyme patient with a PICC line in her arm stood in Times Square, and outside the Guggenheim and buzzed around a LITTLE. I would begin my downward funk each day about 3-4PM and I would respect what the Lyme Disease wanted. I would hop in a cab, go home and rest for the evening.

All the senses need a rest right now. There is the post holiday anti climactic stimulus package which is natural. I am listening to Bob Thurman's podcasts on Buddhism for spiritual nurturing right now.

My mastoid process is healing. Garline, Room #14 has bruised it in a good way. What a massage at the Russian Turkish Baths. I visualized the corkscrews falling onto the floor. I will certainly go back.

Today, I feel lost. I have no sense of self today. And that is when fear moves in.

Last week I was herxing.....waking up with my ear canals hurting; right hand numb. But I am feeling okay today.

I am a bit scared as I am heading back to my family's home. I realize that my sensitivity is heightened during this time. I am bare naked and my awareness is heightened. I have to take care of the little girl that is hurt easily. That is my primary responsibility.

And Lyme has helped unravel the toilet paper roll that is my core. The sheets are at the end.

Started out on a great note today. Did some Xmas baking with my mom today. Made some gravioli...a sweet deep fried cookie with wine and olive oil. Afternoon went just as well.


At about 5:30 PM, I began losing steam. I became irritable and achey across the shoulders. By 6:30 PM, I was despondent. I went to the Lyme support meeting with my sister but just kept quiet most of the time because I was feeling raw, foul and hateful again. The malaise is in my upper body, especially the head, neck and shoulders. My mood is equally bad.

As I was leaving the Y today after an abs & gluts class, I crossed the parking lot. I thought "wow, I feel okay". I did not say yes and I did not say no to feeling okay.

My mind was so used to feeling foul and in a bad mood. I looked for external reasons to justify my internal experience. I carried anger with me everywhere.

I woke up with anxiety on the pillow next to me. I was not sure if it was anxiety or fear. I asked, "which are you?" "And, will you be staying long?" No response. I acknowledged them and went on with some prayers. I wanted to face the neuroses squarely, stating you are here and so am I. I did not want to run to another event like prayer or meditation, without a hello.

It is an hour later and I feel them lingering about me. After my meditation and prayers, I no longer want to ignore them. I think we can all have tea together. Maybe that will suffice them and then they will go.

The Lyme Disease is keeping a presence in my life. Last evening, a general malaise came over my neck, tailbone and head. Today, these mental afflictions are milling about.

I am back with my nephew and family. We both have our IVs going at the same time at times. Steady and slow that is how we go.

It has become clear that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. The Lyme Disease has show me the attachments I have mistakenly valued. Cleverness, loveliness, mental acuity, physical stamina and endurance. These are not qualities which help me to help others.

Ego culled many of these attributes into existence.

The neck still stiffens and I regain my mannequin pose. I squirm onto my hips in a chair because the tailbone bruising is intolerable. Lessons.

I saw my EMDR ad EFT therapist today. I used think that the Lyme brought me the fear and anxiety. Now I realize that the Lyme has brought me TO the fear and anxiety which was within me and originated in my childhood. I am undergoing a spiritual shift.

I woke up with my right hand numb, my neck stiff and recovering from nightsweats. Ahhhhh, progress is sweet.

Yesterday, I started a painting. This is evidence of the nails being pulled out , one by one, from my frontal lobe and brain stem.

I go for the ultrasound today.

I think the malaise and anxiety experienced yesterday are linked to getting my period today. It is 2 days early. I am relieved becuase I feel better today. I did not want to slip back into the Lyme hole. That is a fear which I will face when and if it happens. My attitude yesterday was positive in the face of the Lyme.

2 more in the afternoon and 2 more in the evening. The nerve endings were beginning to merngue. It is past midnight but I feel alright. I saw Babel tonight and it has inspired me to write.

Woke up this morning with fear. Inhaled and exhaled. Saw the red box which I visualize to be the Lyme Disease and I was dragging it with a rope across the beach.

I am at a friend's house this morning but I needed to take the Theannine which I have not done since in 3 weeks.

I am off to the Kurukulla Center.

Woke up this AM feeling much better. Even got out for a few hours. As the evening begins, the malaise grabs my shoulders and shakes me. I a STILL doing great compared to a few months ago. It is like having an annoying flu. At least the bogeyman has not arrived with it.

Between 6PM and 10PM of this evening, I fell ill again. It has been great for five days straight. It came on fast. I feel a general malaise...flu like symptoms. My left ear and jaw are sore. My throat also hurts. I ate some raw garlic at 6 when it first came one and drank a few cups of mint tea.

I came home a few days ago. Light and air are in my life again. The vice grips around my mind have been removed. I slid back last week after 10 good days. But I am back on the upswing again.

I saw my doctor yesterday and he said I was "engaged". Many of my symptoms have changed. I am no longer itchy and my soles do not hurt. Many mornings, my right hand is numb when I wake up though. My tailbone is easily irritated by sitting.

My MD ordered an abdominal ultrasound to check for gallstones. Rocephin is known to cause gallstones. Please see the last paragraph on this page for more information.

It looks like I will be on IV for another two months and that is fine by me.
I came back to my life - even if only for a little while.

I went to the Lyme Rally on Thursday, November 30, 2006 at the New York Medical Center in Westchester, NY.